I'm not going to lie, this new H1N1 flu virus scares me. Hell, the regular flu virus scares me. But I'm trying to decide what scares me more - the flu itself or the vaccine given to prevent it. Let me be clear before I go any further here that I am NOT anti-vaccine. But I'm not pro-vaccine either. With my first two kids, I went to the health department on time and got their shots without asking any questions. Why would I question vaccinations? It was just what you did. I had no reason to wonder why I was doing what I was doing - that was until my third baby was born.
As a mother, Olivia has made me question EVERYTHING I have ever done or will do from now on. From nursing to solid foods to sleeping to you guessed it, vaccinations. She made me wonder and worry about things I never had to before. I don't neccessarily think that's a bad thing. It all started the week after I had her. She was having a hard time nursing and I didn't know what to do. She seemed uncomfortable and would just scream and we didn't know why. She started getting this awful rash all over her which was very different from the normal baby pimples that happen to some newborns. I did some research and wondered if she was having issues with something I was eating. After many tears and lots of attempts, I completely gave up breastfeeding and switched her to Nutramigen hypoallergenic formula. It was awful stuff, but it worked for her. We were able to lay her flat without fear of a reflux episode and she slept over over an hour for the first time in her two months of life. She was content. I cried tears of joy. Do you have any idea how much crying you do when you're a mom?? Anyways, the rash even started to go away and she was this happy little baby I didn't know existed.
At her two month check up, I politely declined her vaccinations. Despite pressure from our doctor, something told me it was the right thing to do. I was concerned at how sensitive she must be due to the reactions she'd had with her diet so far. Thank God I didn't do it. At age four months, after giving Olivia a bottle and laying her down to bed she had her very first seizure. I cannot put into words what an absolutely terrifying thing it was to witness. After vomiting what seemed to be her entire feeding, Olivia's eyes rolled back into her little bald head and she paled to a color that I have never seen a living human being turn. She was limp and unresponsive and so cold. We didn't know what was happening. By the time we got to the ER, she seemed much better. They checked her vitals and sent us home, thinking it was some sort of stomach virus not knowing it was actually a seizure. I slept next to her crib (sleep isn't the word I would use) that night. Little did I know, the horror we'd just witnessed would surface again.
Olivia has had five seizures in her three years of life, the most recent one being last December. I pray every single day that it was the last one she'll ever have. It's not something I will ever get used to seeing or forget or get over and the image of it will haunt me probably forever. (I try not to live in fear, but I wouldn't be honest if I told you I didn't worry like a crazy person every time she got sick!) Olivia underwent lots of testing to determine the cause of her seizures and we never found one. The term mitochondrial disorder (google that if you're curious as it would take me quite a long time to explain) was thrown out there by her peds neurologist and we did some testing that was in conclusive as far as that went. So we still don't know and maybe we never will. And we still haven't given her one vaccination. Does that bother me? Yes. But right now I still feel the risks far outweigh the benefits for her. That doesn't mean I don't worry about my decision and it doesn't mean I won't ever vaccinate her for anything.
That being said, I still have to think really hard about this upcoming flu season. I can't figure it out. Either we're all screwed or the media/government has done a great job of trying to scare us all to death. I haven't decided which one it is yet. For most people, the decision to get a flu shot is black and white. You either get them every year because you think they work or you take your chances not getting the shot. I guess everyone is taking their chances if you think about it - either by getting the flu shot and hoping it doesn't have any awful side effects or not getting the flu shot and hoping you don't get sick. I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if people knew for sure if the shot actually worked. I am curious how many people who have never gotten the flu shot before are getting it this year. Will you get the H1N1 vaccine when it becomes available? What chance are you taking this season???
