Andy

This June marks the eleventh anniversary of Andy's death. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him or wonder what things would be like if he were still alive. But every June that comes around it gets harder to believe it's been as long as it has. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, but most days it feels like a really long time ago because he has missed so much. Who was Andy???

Andy was Kevin's dad and my father-in-law, though I never had the chance to actually be able to call him that. He passed away a year before we got married. Andy is the grampa my kids have never met, but know from lots of stories and pictures. Andy was a husband, a son and brother and a good friend. He was so many things to so many people and even though so much time has passed since June of 1997, he is still very much a part of all of our lives.

Andy was someone I wish everyone could have met. He was an absolute riot. We laughed ALL the time. So many memories come to mind when I think of him. I remember the time I was babysitting for this newborn baby who had colic. This poor baby had been crying for over two hours of the three I had been there. No cell phones back then, so of course I couldn't reach the parents. My parents were out too. The baby was crying, I was crying and I knew I needed some help. So I called Kevin's house and Andy was home. He came right over. He walked in, handed me a Kleenex and took the crying baby. Not ten minutes later (I kid you not) that colicky baby was asleep on Andy's shoulder in the recliner while he casually watched a baseball game on tv. I will never forget that!

I remember fun skiing vacations, trips to visit Matt at college, inappropriate jokes in church, a napa autoparts swimsuit calendar in the garage, old cutoff jean shorts and a too small polo shirt, words of wisdom and encouragement, kindness that was shown to everyone, a toothpick in the corner of his mouth, an infectious laugh, talking through movies, an elbow to the ribs, a butterscotch milkshake with peanuts in it, Harold the goose, Cheeks and Shawn....there are so many more that I couldn't even list them all.

Andy passed away from an agressive form of stomach cancer in June of 1997. It was sudden, it was fast and it wasn't fair. Kevin was nineteen years old and I had just turned eighteen. I thought right up until the very end that someone would be able to fix it. I don't think I actually ever thought someone like Andy would be taken from us. It didn't seem possible. It still doesn't sometimes. Those last couple of months felt like a bad dream - a nightmare. People always say that time heals all wounds or that everything happens for a reason. Up until Andy got sick I believed that too. For me I know that time didn't really heal the wounds, you just learn how to live with them somehow. And I have faith that there is a plan even though I might never understand the reason. You cannot come up with a reason that is good enough for such an incredible loss. And there isn't enough therapy or time in the world that could heal such a gaping, horrific wound. I don't care what anyone says.

What I do know is that even though Andy isn't with us anymore, he isn't really gone. I see him everyday when I look into my kids' beautiful eyes. When I see my husband's hands work on a car or build something. When I hear my brother-in-law Matt's huge, happy laugh or when I see my brother-in-law Jason's smile. When I see the wonderful husbands and fathers they have all grown up to be, Andy is there. He would be so proud of them and I hope they all know that. When I see my mother-in-law making changes to the house she built with him and raised all their boys in, when she comes here to visit us by herself. When she chooses to keep on even though I know she is sad - Andy is there. I consider myself to be a very lucky person for having been able to get to know him in the four years I did. So do a lot of other people. Andy lived more in his short 40some years than most people do in an entire lifetime. He touched so many and made this world a better place for just having been in it. He is missed by us all every single day.

I'm not very good at putting things into words. I can type them out and they make a little sense, but music is something that has always made sense to me. Might be cheesy, but I don't care. I found a song by a band called Vertical Horizon that completely and absolutely says everything. It's called Forever.





Here are the lyrics.

Take these roses all from me
Let me live, let me be
For a little while
Let my eyes,
See everything and nothing in their time
I do not mind

Who'd have guessed I'd learn
To let the walls around me burn
Light up the hillside
My words, I ate them for so long and nothing changed
It was just the same

And I don't know if you see me here
But I can tell you your face is clear
I will see you...

Forever
Forever
I will see you
Forever
Forever

Call me close once again
Call me teacher, call me friend
Just like the first time
Call my name, it echos in the walls around this room
Its all you

I don't know if you hear me there
When it's darkest and no one cares
I will hear you...

Forever
Forever
I will hear you
Forever
Forever

I wanted you to be everything to me
Now I've got to learn to carry on
I know I cannot hide this emptiness inside
But nothing is the same since you've gone

Send me letters from above
Send me strength, send me love
Such sweet love
Sing me songs that echo in my head and in my heart
That's where you are

And I don't know if you feel me here
I can tell you one thing is clear
I will feel you...

Forever
Forever
I will feel you
Forever
Forever
I will hear you
Forever
Forever
I will see you
Forever
Forever

Take these roses all from me
Let me live, let me be